Category Archives: General advice

Parenting twenty-somethings

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For those of you with 20-somethings living at home, Psychologist Susan Allen has put together a blog you might want to check out. With topics like dealing with adult kids during the holidays, and how to talk to your adult kids about credit card debt, she can provide loads of information, drawn from her experience a a psychologist and life coach.

You can find Susan’s blog here: parenting20-somethings.blogspot.com

Rules for adult kids at home during college breaks

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I posted a new article today that talks about setting rules for adult children who return home during college breaks. Some key tips from the article:

Make sure you talk about and agree upon guidelines for:

- Household rules, including swearing, late nights, and noise: Remember that your college kid has been dealing with college-style language, music, and hours. Talk about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not.

- Who covers additional expenses: If your adult kid is just home for a long weekend, this probably isn’t an issue. But if they’re home for three months, who’s going to pay for the extra groceries they consume and the electricity they use? What about long-distance calls they make keeping up with college friends?

- Fair use of shared resources: Make sure you all agree on appropriate use of the family computer and TV. You don’t want to have battles over the remote just as someone’s favorite show is about to begin. And be very clear about any guidelines for using (and gassing up!) the family car.

- The thorny issue of overnight guests: Whether you like it or not, your kid’s probably been having sleepovers with his girlfriend while at school. Can he have her stay over in his room at your home?

- Privacy rules for both you and your adult children: These rules will be different than they were when your kid lived at home full-time. You should agree to stay out of her room and her mail, and she should agree to stay out of yours.

- Which chores your grown kids will be responsible for: A summer break with no help from your adult kids could leave you fuming. Make sure you agree on what’s expected beforehand so your kid doesn’t feel imposed upon, and you don’t feel resentful.

If you need help setting up an agreement with your adult kids for their breaks at home, or if you just need some advice on how to renegotiate your relationship now that your kids are grown, you can find resources and tips at www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

You can read the rest of the article here.

When it's time to let your adult kids fly on their own

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This recent article from the Sun Sentinel describes parents who are having trouble letting go of their parenting duties, even when their children are in college. The parents in this story still write thank you notes for their 20-something kids, and even want to help with college homework:

There are the parents who call the admissions office pretending to be their child in order to get information… There are parents who call professors to complain about a bad grade, perhaps because bullying the teacher worked in elementary or high school.

If you’re still acting like a “helicopter parent” when your kids are adults, you’re not doing them any favors. Over-parenting is Dangerous Mistake #1 covered in our free report, “Avoid the 8 Most Dangerous Mistakes Parents Make When Their Adult Child Lives at Home” (which you can access by filling in your name and e-mail address on the right side of this page).

Sometimes the adult kids "live" at home, even when they don't live at home

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When adult children live very near their parents, families can experience some of the same issues as they do when adult children live at home. Adult kids may still stop by to do laundry or to be fed by Mom and Dad — and there can be privacy issues, even when the residence isn’t shared. Take this example from St. Petersburg Times Staff Writer Michelle Miller, writing about her adult son who lives down the street:

His dad and I were startled to hear a key in the front door just as we were settling down to watch the Red Sox on the tube.

“So, I guess you don’t have to knock or ring the doorbell?” my husband asked the boomerang boy.

“Nope, I have my own key,” the boy answered.

He was just passing by on his way home from work, he told us. “I just thought I’d stop in.”

As you can see, it’s important to set boundaries with your adult kids, even if there’s more than just a wall separating you. You can read the whole article here.

Tips from a contributor to the American Psychological Assn.'s Help Center

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The LA Times recently conducted an interview with David J. Palmiter Jr., professor and director of the Psychological Services Center at Marywood University in Pennsylvania and a contributor to the American Psychological Assn.’s Help Center. He suggests that parenting adult children living at home can be even more difficult than parenting during the “terrible 2s” or teenage years.

You can read the abbreviated transcript of the interview here.

High school's over: Now what?

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If you have new grads in your house, you’re going to be doing some “relationship re-negotiating” this summer. Whether they’re staying at home or leaving to attend college, your relationship with your newly adult kids will change. It can be a tough transition for some.

A recent article from the Globe & Mail reviews what kind of rules work for those new grads living at home, and which ones you’ll need to let go. Here are top no-go rules:

The problem with these is that they are for younger kids, and genuinely do not fit in with your child’s new whether-you-like-it-or-not adult status.

1) Requiring them to have a curfew.

2) Regularly asking them where they are going.

3) Expecting them to come to family meals regularly or to participate in family activities.

4) Giving them lectures about how they are going to have to get their act together.

5) Telling them not to talk with food in their mouth.

You can read the full article here.