I have to say, I knew many of the statistics mentioned in this documentary, but it still blew my mind to see the pattern playing out in real families. Some of the real shockers:

- A family spending $4,000 on a one-year-old’s birthday party — because turning one is  a “milestone achievement.”

- Teachers talking about parents being upset when a child brings home a 98% grade.

- Parents being hugely involved in students’ university careers, including logging in to their student accounts to monitor their grades, and threatening university management when their kids don’t like profs.

- Parents trying to attend their kids’ job interviews, negotiate salary, and the apparently common trend of parents going with kids on their first day at a new job to set up their cubicle!

- A 27-year-old quitting a $90,000 job that wasn’t a “good fit” to try to start a business with no clear business model, ending up declaring bankruptcy and living on friends’ couches, but still refusing to give up “wine, coffee, and pedicures.”

You can watch the trailer for Hyper Parents and Coddled Kids below, and watch the whole doc online at http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/Shows/Doc_Zone/1242299559/ID=1405930535.

If you are interested in talking about this you can reach her at: jkissinger@hearst.com.

For now, the Huffington Post has an interesting article on the topic that ends will a poll: Do your parents give you an allowance? As of this writing, 22.06% of respondents had voted yes. That’s about in line with the Pew Statistics that show 1 in 5 18- to 34-year-olds is receiving an allowance from mom and dad. I’ll keep you updated on the results of the poll!

Rule 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it

Rule 2: The world won’t care as much as your school does about your self-esteem. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself

Rule 3: Sorry, you won’t make $60,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice-president or have a company car. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a designer label.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He won’t have tenure, so he’ll tend to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you FEEL about it.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity

Rule 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible.

Rule 7: Your parents weren’t as boring before you were born as they are now. They got that way  paying your bills, driving you around, saving for your education, cleaning up your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. And you don’t get summers off.

Rule 10: Television is not real life.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

And here’s another one of the 50 rules that doesn’t appear in the list that circulates on the Internet: Someday you will have to grow up and actually move out of your parents’ house.

Today’s question: How does the situation affect family relationships?

Answer: It can have a huge impact, especially if the parents are not on the same page about the situation. Often one parent will want to provide more support, while the other wants to encourage the child to reach independence sooner, and this can cause major tension. It is even worse if one of the parents is a step-parent, who may not have the same kind of bond with the adult child and may feel displaced in their own home as their partner shifts their attention to the adult child.

If everyone is open and honest, it can be a wonderful time when parents and adult children get to interact with each other on a daily basis in a way that is not common in our culture, which can become the basis of a much stronger relationship in years to come. But if communication is not good, and expectations are not aligned, the experience can be a disaster that damages relationships for the long term. So keep the lines of communication open, be honest with each other, and respect each other. In particular, the adult child should respect that their parents are giving them a pretty major boost by allowing them to live at home.

The key to making it work that everyone needs to have their expectations aligned in terms of reason for the adult child’s stay, length of the stay, their behavior in the house, their financial contribution, and so on. The best way to make this happen is for the family to sign a contract outlining the expectations before the adult child moves home (you get access to a contract template when you purchase my book).

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

Today’s question: Should adult children living at home pay rent?

Answer: Every family will need to work out a budget to determine how much the child should pay, but I definitely encourage parents to charge rent of some sort. It will not likely be market rent, as the adult child is probably living at home to save money. But there should be some sort of financial contribution for a couple of reasons. First, it realistically costs money to have the adult child live at home in terms of added heat, electricity, food, and so on. Second, it helps the adult child get into the pattern of having a monthly bill to pay, which they will when they eventually manage to move out. And third, it’s actually helpful to the child’s self-esteem to make a financial contribution to the household. Make sure to put a budget together so the adult child can understand their financial impact on the household, or they may end up under the mistaken impression that it’s free for the parents to have them live there.

Here’s a video of me discussing this topic.

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

Today’s question: How is parenting adult children different from parenting kids?

Answer: This is a very big question, but here’s the short answer. Parents need to remember that their adult children are adults, so parenting them in the same way they did when they were little is not going to work. Parents do need to establish some rules for their adult children, but those rules will be based on the fact that the parents have a right to set some rules for anyone living in their home, rather than the, “I’m your Mom and I said so” logic from childhood. The parents can set house rules, but not rules for the adult child’s life outside the home.

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.