Author Archives: Christina Newberry

11 rules your adult child didn't learn in school

The following list of “rules” is often attributed to Microsoft founder Bill Gates, and tends to circulate by e-mail or through social networking sites. It’s actually 11 of the 50 rules from the book 50 Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School: Real-World Antidotes to Feel-Good Education by Charles J. Sykes, and it might be a good dose of reality for your adult kids.

Rule 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it

Rule 2: The world won’t care as much as your school does about your self-esteem. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself

Rule 3: Sorry, you won’t make $60,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice-president or have a company car. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a designer label.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He won’t have tenure, so he’ll tend to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you FEEL about it.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity

Rule 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible.

Rule 7: Your parents weren’t as boring before you were born as they are now. They got that way  paying your bills, driving you around, saving for your education, cleaning up your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. And you don’t get summers off.

Rule 10: Television is not real life.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

And here’s another one of the 50 rules that doesn’t appear in the list that circulates on the Internet: Someday you will have to grow up and actually move out of your parents’ house.

Q3: How does the situation affect family relationships?

I tend to get asked the same questions over and over by both parents and reporters, so this week, I’m posting answers to these common questions here on the blog. I hope you find these Q&As helpful. If you have your own question you’d like to see answered on the blog, please leave it in the comments or send me a note at christina@adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

Today’s question: How does the situation affect family relationships?

Answer: It can have a huge impact, especially if the parents are not on the same page about the situation. Often one parent will want to provide more support, while the other wants to encourage the child to reach independence sooner, and this can cause major tension. It is even worse if one of the parents is a step-parent, who may not have the same kind of bond with the adult child and may feel displaced in their own home as their partner shifts their attention to the adult child.

If everyone is open and honest, it can be a wonderful time when parents and adult children get to interact with each other on a daily basis in a way that is not common in our culture, which can become the basis of a much stronger relationship in years to come. But if communication is not good, and expectations are not aligned, the experience can be a disaster that damages relationships for the long term. So keep the lines of communication open, be honest with each other, and respect each other. In particular, the adult child should respect that their parents are giving them a pretty major boost by allowing them to live at home.

The key to making it work that everyone needs to have their expectations aligned in terms of reason for the adult child’s stay, length of the stay, their behavior in the house, their financial contribution, and so on. The best way to make this happen is for the family to sign a contract outlining the expectations before the adult child moves home (you get access to a contract template when you purchase my book).

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

Q2: Should adult children living at home pay rent? (video)

I tend to get asked the same questions over and over by both parents and reporters, so this week, I’m posting answers to these common questions here on the blog. I hope you find these Q&As helpful. If you have your own question you’d like to see answered on the blog, please leave it in the comments or send me a note at christina@adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

Today’s question: Should adult children living at home pay rent?

Answer: Every family will need to work out a budget to determine how much the child should pay, but I definitely encourage parents to charge rent of some sort. It will not likely be market rent, as the adult child is probably living at home to save money. But there should be some sort of financial contribution for a couple of reasons. First, it realistically costs money to have the adult child live at home in terms of added heat, electricity, food, and so on. Second, it helps the adult child get into the pattern of having a monthly bill to pay, which they will when they eventually manage to move out. And third, it’s actually helpful to the child’s self-esteem to make a financial contribution to the household. Make sure to put a budget together so the adult child can understand their financial impact on the household, or they may end up under the mistaken impression that it’s free for the parents to have them live there.

Here’s a video of me discussing this topic.

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

Answers to 3 common questions about adult children living at home Q1: How is parenting adult children different from parenting kids?

I tend to get asked the same questions over and over by both parents and reporters, so over the next week, I thought I would post answers to these common questions here on the blog. I hope you find these Q&As helpful. If you have your own question you’d like to see answered on the blog, please leave it in the comments or send me a note at christina@adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

Today’s question: How is parenting adult children different from parenting kids?

Answer: This is a very big question, but here’s the short answer. Parents need to remember that their adult children are adults, so parenting them in the same way they did when they were little is not going to work. Parents do need to establish some rules for their adult children, but those rules will be based on the fact that the parents have a right to set some rules for anyone living in their home, rather than the, “I’m your Mom and I said so” logic from childhood. The parents can set house rules, but not rules for the adult child’s life outside the home.

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

India court rules adult children have no right to stay at home

Here’s an interesting story. A court in Mumbai, India, recently ruled that adult children “can live in the house of their parents only with the consent of their parents and not otherwise.” This ruling was the result of a case in which a 35-year-old woman and her husband were arguing that they had the right to live in her 73-year-old father’s apartment even though the father wanted them to leave. It’s not clear yet what the long-term effects, if any, of this particular ruling will be in India. You can read more about this story on the BBC’s website here.

Claiming your adult children on your taxes

Reuters has published an excellent article with tips on how to claim your adult children on your taxes if they are your dependents. They advise that determining whether your adult children qualify as dependents can be like “threading a needle in dim light.” But each dependent can cut your taxable income by $3,700 or more. Essentially, if you are paying 50% or more of your adult child’s expenses, it is worth reading the Reuters article to get the details, even if you adult child is not living at home. You can find the Reuters article here: Tax tips for the sandwich generation

Video: How to kick your adult kids out of the nest

There’s one question I’m often asked that I don’t really like to answer: How do I kick my adult kids out of the house. I don’t like to answer this question because my approach is about making the situation for families with adult children living at home work — not giving up and kicking the kids out. That said, I know sometimes it gets to a point where you really need to take action. So, in this video, I finally address this question. But keep in mind that the best course of action is to avoid getting to the point where you feel like you need to kick the kids out, which you can do by planning their stay well, being open in your communication, and signing a contract with each other that lays out the rules of there stay. With all that said, here’s the answer to how to get your adult children to leave home.

Kids at home? Do *they* think they're part of the "entitlement generation"?

Notable.ca, a site targeting young professionals in Canada, is running a survey asking members of “Gen X and Y” (though I suspect they expect to hear from Gen Y and the Millennials… Gen X is now into their 40s and even 50s) how they feel about being labelled the “entitlement generation,” including some questions that seem designed to tease out whether respondents actually engage in the behaviors typically mocked or scorned by columnists (and worried about by parents). If you’ve got adult kids at home, they might want to check out the survey at http://www.notable.ca/yp-life/Notableca-Survey-Are-we-the-Entitled-Generation/

Major cable network looking for married couples living with their parents

The Casting Firm and a major cable network are looking for families with married couples and their parents currently living in the same house for a new TV show.

Whatever the situation may be, if you find yourself residing in the same house with your spouse AND your parents (or if you’re a parent living with your married child), then they want to hear from you. If you fit this description and have a big personality and great story, please e-mail The Casting Firm at CASTINGS@THECASTINGFIRM.COM

In your e-mail, include family photos along with the names and ages of each family member living at home, as well as a brief description of the family dynamic. Write “Family Project” along with your last name and the city and state that you reside in the subject line of your email, and please make sure to include a contact number with your submission.

Families will be compensated for their time. All participants must be legal U.S. residents.

Please note that AdultChildrenLivingatHome.com is not associated with this production, so please do not send inquiries or casting submissions to AdultChildrenLivingatHome.com. Contact The Casting Firm directly at CASTINGS@THECASTINGFIRM.COM.