Category Archives: Planning strategies

Preparing for adult kids moving home after college

I spoke with AARP recently about how to prepare for adult children boomeranging home after college — something I did myself 17 years ago. (Still think this is a new or temporary trend?)

Here’s the key point, which I can’t emphasize enough:

The end goal, Newberry says, is not to kick them out as soon as possible but to “help them get to the point where they are ready to leave.”

You can read the rest of the article on the AARP’s website, or check out the video below for five key strategies to make the situation work. I recorded this video way back in 2009, so the audio is not the best, but it’s worth bearing with it for the important information.

My advice featured on Forbes.com

From “The Kids Move Back In: Secrets to Saving Your Sanity (Hint: Cash)” by Vanessa McGrady:

“The short answer is that there is no one approach that works for every family. That said, I do think it’s important for all adult children to make a regular financial contribution to the household , for a couple of reasons,” said Christina Newberry, an expert on adult children living at home. “First, it acknowledges that the parent is taking on extra costs to have them there. Second, it keeps the adult child in the mindset of having a monthly financial responsibility, which is how things will be once the adult child is out on their own. And third, it’s actually good for the adult child’s self-esteem when they feel like a contributing member of the household.”

Read the rest at Forbes.com

Planning for your adult child's return home

My advice was featured today in EverythingZoomer.com’s Boomerangst column, which dealt with a family whose adult son is contemplating a move home after several months of unemployment:

“It’s tempting to think that everything’s going to go really smoothly, but that rarely happens by itself,” says Christina Newberry, founder of the website adultchildrenlivingathome.com and the author of The Hands-on Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

You can read the rest of the article, including my advice about two documents every family should put together before adult kids move home, here.

What to do with an adult child's stuff when they move home

A reader recently asked me what adult children who have had their own home should do with all their accumulated stuff when moving back in with their parents. Should they put it in storage? Should the parents put some things in storage? Here’s my answer:

I would highly recommend against the parents putting any items in storage – this sends all the wrong signals about who the home belongs to. But it could certainly make sense for adult children to put their things in storage – basically anything that won’t fit in their own room or be useful to other household members. Two key points one this.

The adult child should pay to store their own items if they are
stored outside the home.
If the items are stored in the home – in the basement, garage, etc. – the adult child absolutely must take them (or get rid of them) once they do move out again.

Q3: How does the situation affect family relationships?

I tend to get asked the same questions over and over by both parents and reporters, so this week, I’m posting answers to these common questions here on the blog. I hope you find these Q&As helpful. If you have your own question you’d like to see answered on the blog, please leave it in the comments or send me a note at christina@adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

Today’s question: How does the situation affect family relationships?

Answer: It can have a huge impact, especially if the parents are not on the same page about the situation. Often one parent will want to provide more support, while the other wants to encourage the child to reach independence sooner, and this can cause major tension. It is even worse if one of the parents is a step-parent, who may not have the same kind of bond with the adult child and may feel displaced in their own home as their partner shifts their attention to the adult child.

If everyone is open and honest, it can be a wonderful time when parents and adult children get to interact with each other on a daily basis in a way that is not common in our culture, which can become the basis of a much stronger relationship in years to come. But if communication is not good, and expectations are not aligned, the experience can be a disaster that damages relationships for the long term. So keep the lines of communication open, be honest with each other, and respect each other. In particular, the adult child should respect that their parents are giving them a pretty major boost by allowing them to live at home.

The key to making it work that everyone needs to have their expectations aligned in terms of reason for the adult child’s stay, length of the stay, their behavior in the house, their financial contribution, and so on. The best way to make this happen is for the family to sign a contract outlining the expectations before the adult child moves home (you get access to a contract template when you purchase my book).

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

Q2: Should adult children living at home pay rent? (video)

Today’s question: Should adult children living at home pay rent?

Answer: Every family will need to work out a budget to determine how much the child should pay, but I definitely encourage parents to charge rent of some sort. It will not likely be market rent, as the adult child is probably living at home to save money. But there should be some sort of financial contribution for a couple of reasons. First, it realistically costs money to have the adult child live at home in terms of added heat, electricity, food, and so on. Second, it helps the adult child get into the pattern of having a monthly bill to pay, which they will when they eventually manage to move out. And third, it’s actually helpful to the child’s self-esteem to make a financial contribution to the household. Make sure to put a budget together so the adult child can understand their financial impact on the household, or they may end up under the mistaken impression that it’s free for the parents to have them live there.

Here’s a video of me discussing this topic.

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

Answers to 3 common questions about adult children living at home Q1: How is parenting adult children different from parenting kids?

I tend to get asked the same questions over and over by both parents and reporters, so over the next week, I thought I would post answers to these common questions here on the blog. I hope you find these Q&As helpful. If you have your own question you’d like to see answered on the blog, please leave it in the comments or send me a note at christina@adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

Today’s question: How is parenting adult children different from parenting kids?

Answer: This is a very big question, but here’s the short answer. Parents need to remember that their adult children are adults, so parenting them in the same way they did when they were little is not going to work. Parents do need to establish some rules for their adult children, but those rules will be based on the fact that the parents have a right to set some rules for anyone living in their home, rather than the, “I’m your Mom and I said so” logic from childhood. The parents can set house rules, but not rules for the adult child’s life outside the home.

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

Free in-person seminar with me in the Lower Mainland of BC

I am looking for parents of adult children living at home who would be interested in participating in a free, in-person seminar with me in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia, Canada. It will be a great opportunity to get some hands-on strategies for dealing with your adult kids at home, and I’ll provide a walk-through of how to set up a contract and a family budget. If you are interested in meeting with me in person, please send me an e-mail at christina@adultchildrenlivingathome.com and I will keep you posted on the details as they emerge.

Video Tip: Should you charge adult kids rent?

Transcript:

Hi, I’m Christina Newberry from adultchildrenlivingathome.com. Today i’m going to talk about how much rent to charge adult children living at home. It may not be what you want to hear, but I’m afraid there’s no single answer to this question. It depends on a couple of factors.

First, how much can you they afford? If they could afford market rent, they probably wouldn’t be living in your home.

Second, why are they living in your home? If they’re going to school or if they’re struggling to get over a major challenge in their lives like a divorce or the loss of a job, you may want to be a little bit more flexible — especially if they’re just using it as a short-term way to get back on their feet.

Third, how long is your adult child planning on living in your home? If they’re just going to be there for a couple of weeks up to a couple of months, you might want to be a little bit more flexible than if they’re planning on staying there for a long time like a year or more.

So you have to talk about what works for your family. I recommended any adult child who’s living at home for more than six weeks or so should pay rent every month. The simple fact is that they’re adding to your household expenses and they should be required to make contributions to that.

Plus, it’s a good idea for them to have this monthly expensive in mind so they are prepared for it when they are living on their own.

Rules for adult kids at home during college breaks

I posted a new article today that talks about setting rules for adult children who return home during college breaks. Some key tips from the article:

Make sure you talk about and agree upon guidelines for:

– Household rules, including swearing, late nights, and noise: Remember that your college kid has been dealing with college-style language, music, and hours. Talk about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not.

– Who covers additional expenses: If your adult kid is just home for a long weekend, this probably isn’t an issue. But if they’re home for three months, who’s going to pay for the extra groceries they consume and the electricity they use? What about long-distance calls they make keeping up with college friends?

– Fair use of shared resources: Make sure you all agree on appropriate use of the family computer and TV. You don’t want to have battles over the remote just as someone’s favorite show is about to begin. And be very clear about any guidelines for using (and gassing up!) the family car.

– The thorny issue of overnight guests: Whether you like it or not, your kid’s probably been having sleepovers with his girlfriend while at school. Can he have her stay over in his room at your home?

– Privacy rules for both you and your adult children: These rules will be different than they were when your kid lived at home full-time. You should agree to stay out of her room and her mail, and she should agree to stay out of yours.

– Which chores your grown kids will be responsible for: A summer break with no help from your adult kids could leave you fuming. Make sure you agree on what’s expected beforehand so your kid doesn’t feel imposed upon, and you don’t feel resentful.

If you need help setting up an agreement with your adult kids for their breaks at home, or if you just need some advice on how to renegotiate your relationship now that your kids are grown, you can find resources and tips at www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

You can read the rest of the article here.