Category Archives: General advice

Are you impeding your adult child's success at work?

A 60 Minutes piece explored the impact the Millenials — that’s the current generation of your adults, the ones who are most likely to be living at home — are having on the workplace… and how the workplace is impacting these young adults who have been told since childhood that they are special and they will always win.

They discovered that college professors are getting phone calls from parents when they don’t think their kids’ grades are fair, and that parents are the ones taking responsibility for updating their adult children’s resumes with HR firms, and even contacting employers about performance evaluations they don’t agree with.

If you’ve been on this path with your adult child, it’s time to back off. The number one mistake you can make with adult children living at home is continuing to parent them like they are young children. In the end, this not only robs your adult kids of the chance to develop their own much-needed skills, it will also lead to resentment on both sides.

So let junior talk to his own boss about a bad performance review — or, better yet, learn how to do a great job in the first place!

Comunication and shared expectations are the keys to success when adult children are living at home

A recent Christian Science Monitor article shares a number of strategies for ensuring a successful experience with adult children living at home. Their tips echo some of my strategies, and like me, they emphasize that communication and shared expectations are the most important factors to ensuring that your relationship with your adult kids doesn’t suffer when they live in your home.

Remember, we are all human, and everyone will make mistakes. But if you talk openly and honestly, you can avoid resentment and a lot of negative feelings. Living with your adult kids can be a positive experience for both you and them, as long as you know how to make it work, and are prepared to put in the effort.

For my tips on avoiding common mistakes when adult children, click here.

Set Expectations at Spring Break

If your adult child is coming home from college and staying with you over Spring Break, it can be a great opportunity to consciously set some expectations for the week that will also help set the tone for the future.

Or, at the very least, to avoid setting some unrealistic expectations!

It can be tempting for your kid to come home and expect to be treated like returning royalty. They may want to focus on their studies, perhaps, or (more likely) focus on catching up with friends and sleep, while hoping that you’ll catch up on their laundry.

So now is the time–before they arrive–to make sure they understand the ground rules. Let them know that they are welcome to use the washing machine, for example.

If there’s a family car, make up a schedule so you don’t end up stranded.

It may be tempting for you to pamper them, but have no doubt: They will get used to whatever happens during their brief visits home. By communicating with them as one adult to another you can welcome them home, without creating dangerous patterns for the future.

New study: Adult children get more help in "a more complicated world”

This cheeky graphic comes from a recent article in the Globe and Mail. And in case you’re wondering what the secret is — it’s you.

The article talks about a study published last month in the Journal of Marriage and Family that looked at the relationships of 633 Philadelphia-area parents, aged 40 to 60, and their 1,384 children, aged 18 to 33.

The findings? Of those 18- to 33-year-old adult children, 76% got domestic help monthly, and 79% got money most months. That’s more than three quarters of 18- to 33-year-olds still getting regular financial support from mom and dad!

The article also introduces us to a couple of families where the moms seem happy to continue baking and doing laundry for their adult children. If this describes you, keep in mind that your adult children will need to learn to do their own laundry some day — and you’re really not helping them to become independent by continuing to care for them as if they are small children.

You can read the whole Globe article here.

Interview on Roy Green's Nationally Syndicated Show

Today I spoke with Roy Green on his Canada-wide talk show on the Corus Radio Network about how to deal with adult children living at home, including some important ways adult children must be treated differently from when they were little kids:

  • Don’t overparent your adult kids — it’s a sure way to encourage rebellion and resentment. You can have house rules, but you can’t rule your adult child’s life.
  • Don’t take care of all the details — your role has changed, and it’s no longer appropriate for you to pay your adult child’s bills, or do their laundry. Your role is to help your adult child achieve independence.
  • Talk, talk, talk. Your adult child should have much more input than they did when they were small, and discussions and agreements are important to achieving household harmony. That said, it’s still your house, so in the end, what you say goes.

You can hear the interview here.

How to help young adult children become independent

Is the boomerang kid phenomenon all about the economy, or is there more to it than that? How can you help young adult children become independent? In Escaping the Endless Adolescence: How We Can Help Our Teenagers Grow Up Before They Grow Old, psychologists Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen suggest that over-parenting has created a generation of young adults who are more dependent on their parents than ever — including needing advice from mom and dad an everage of 13 times per week while away at college!

In this interview with the Globe and Mail, Dr. Joseph Allen explains how you can help your young adult child develop the skills they need for independence: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/are-you-stopping-your-teen-from-growing-up/article1356130/

Video Tip: How to make sure you know your adult child is safe without imposing a curfew

Transcript:
Hi, this is Christina Newberry from adultchildrenlivingathome.com. If you have adult children in your home again, you may need some help renegotiating that parent–child relationship.

For example, it may not be appropriate for you to set a curfew for you twenty-seven-year-old daughter anymore, but it’s still perfectly reasonable for you to worry about her if she doesn’t come home when she says she’s going to.

Here’s a solution to this surprisingly common problem. Come to an agreement with your adult child that if they’re going to stay up past a certain time they’ll send you a text message either to your cellphone or
to your home email address.

Cell phones are so common these days that even if your adult child doesn’t have one of their own, they should be able to borrow one from one of their friends.

This way you don’t have to get woken up by your adult child calling to say they’ll be late an your adult child doesn’t have to be embarrassed calling their parents in front of their friends, and yet you can rest easy knowing your child is safe just by checking your messages.

College kids coming home for the holidays? You need to watch this video!

Transcript:
Hi, this is Christina Newberry from adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

If your children are coming home from college for the holidays, it’s time to talk
about what your expectations are and how you can all live peacefully together.

The relationship between parents and children will always be a parent–child relationship, no matter how will that kid may be. For example, an adult child coming home for the holidays may think that you’re going to do all the cooking and do their laundry, while you may be thinking that you’re going to get a break from cooking every night because that adult child is around to pull their weight.

If you don’t talk about this beforehand, you could both end up feeling resentful and angry. Open communication is the best way to prevent stress and arguments before they happen. So here are some things to talk about.

Number one: Household rules, including swearing and noise
Keep in mind that your adult kids got used to a whole new set of expectations at school, including what kind of language is appropriate to use, how loud music should be, and what time it’s okay to come in at night. Talk about what’s okay in your house  and what just isn’t.

Number two: Fair use of resources
Set some guidelines for use of the family computer and be very clear about the guidelines for using and gassing up the family car.

Number three: Overnight guests
Whether you like it or not, your college kid has probably been having sleepovers with his girlfriend while he was away at school. Is it okay with you if he brings her home for a sleepover in his room at your house?

Number four: Chores
A big holiday meal with no help from your adult kids could lead you fuming. Make sure you talk about what your expectations are beforehand so your adult kids doesn’t end up feeling imposed upon and you don’t end up resentful.

Parenting twenty-somethings

For those of you with 20-somethings living at home, Psychologist Susan Allen has put together a blog you might want to check out. With topics like dealing with adult kids during the holidays, and how to talk to your adult kids about credit card debt, she can provide loads of information, drawn from her experience a a psychologist and life coach.

You can find Susan’s blog here: parenting20-somethings.blogspot.com