I tend to get asked the same questions over and over by both parents and reporters, so this week, I’m posting answers to these common questions here on the blog. I hope you find these Q&As helpful. If you have your own question you’d like to see answered on the blog, please leave it in the comments or send me a note at christina@adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

Today’s question: How does the situation affect family relationships?

Answer: It can have a huge impact, especially if the parents are not on the same page about the situation. Often one parent will want to provide more support, while the other wants to encourage the child to reach independence sooner, and this can cause major tension. It is even worse if one of the parents is a step-parent, who may not have the same kind of bond with the adult child and may feel displaced in their own home as their partner shifts their attention to the adult child.

If everyone is open and honest, it can be a wonderful time when parents and adult children get to interact with each other on a daily basis in a way that is not common in our culture, which can become the basis of a much stronger relationship in years to come. But if communication is not good, and expectations are not aligned, the experience can be a disaster that damages relationships for the long term. So keep the lines of communication open, be honest with each other, and respect each other. In particular, the adult child should respect that their parents are giving them a pretty major boost by allowing them to live at home.

The key to making it work that everyone needs to have their expectations aligned in terms of reason for the adult child’s stay, length of the stay, their behavior in the house, their financial contribution, and so on. The best way to make this happen is for the family to sign a contract outlining the expectations before the adult child moves home (you get access to a contract template when you purchase my book).

Want to learn more about this question? Download my free report from the right column of this page, or check out my book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

I posted a new article today that talks about setting rules for adult children who return home during college breaks. Some key tips from the article:

Make sure you talk about and agree upon guidelines for:

- Household rules, including swearing, late nights, and noise: Remember that your college kid has been dealing with college-style language, music, and hours. Talk about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not.

- Who covers additional expenses: If your adult kid is just home for a long weekend, this probably isn’t an issue. But if they’re home for three months, who’s going to pay for the extra groceries they consume and the electricity they use? What about long-distance calls they make keeping up with college friends?

- Fair use of shared resources: Make sure you all agree on appropriate use of the family computer and TV. You don’t want to have battles over the remote just as someone’s favorite show is about to begin. And be very clear about any guidelines for using (and gassing up!) the family car.

- The thorny issue of overnight guests: Whether you like it or not, your kid’s probably been having sleepovers with his girlfriend while at school. Can he have her stay over in his room at your home?

- Privacy rules for both you and your adult children: These rules will be different than they were when your kid lived at home full-time. You should agree to stay out of her room and her mail, and she should agree to stay out of yours.

- Which chores your grown kids will be responsible for: A summer break with no help from your adult kids could leave you fuming. Make sure you agree on what’s expected beforehand so your kid doesn’t feel imposed upon, and you don’t feel resentful.

If you need help setting up an agreement with your adult kids for their breaks at home, or if you just need some advice on how to renegotiate your relationship now that your kids are grown, you can find resources and tips at www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

You can read the rest of the article here.

If you have new grads in your house, you’re going to be doing some “relationship re-negotiating” this summer. Whether they’re staying at home or leaving to attend college, your relationship with your newly adult kids will change. It can be a tough transition for some.

A recent article from the Globe & Mail reviews what kind of rules work for those new grads living at home, and which ones you’ll need to let go. Here are top no-go rules:

The problem with these is that they are for younger kids, and genuinely do not fit in with your child’s new whether-you-like-it-or-not adult status.

1) Requiring them to have a curfew.

2) Regularly asking them where they are going.

3) Expecting them to come to family meals regularly or to participate in family activities.

4) Giving them lectures about how they are going to have to get their act together.

5) Telling them not to talk with food in their mouth.

You can read the full article here.