Yearly Archives: 2009

Nearly 3 out of 5 college students to live at home this year

According to a new survey from the National Retail Federation, 58.5% of college students will live with their parents this year:

12.8 percent of survey respondents say the economy will impact where a student lives, with many choosing to save money by living at home. Nearly three out of five (58.5%) college students will be living at home this year, compared to 54.1 percent last year and 49.1 percent in 2007. As a result, fewer students will live in a dorm room or college house (15.8% vs. 18.0% in 2008) and in off campus apartments or homes (22.4% vs. 24.3% in 2008).

You can read the full write-up of the survey here.

New study shows men living with parents more likely to be violent

According to a new study published in the journal Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, adult men who live at home with their parents are more likely to use drugs, get in fights, and engage in risky sexual behavior than their independent peers. The authors of the study suggest that a lack of responsibilities for living expenses or a young family is part of the problem:

Violence outside of the home and involving strangers can be construed as one among a series of hedonistic and negative social behaviours  –  including hazardous drinking, drug misuse, sexual risk-taking and non-violent anti-social behaviour  –  exhibited by a subgroup without responsibilities of providing their accommodation, supporting dependent children, or ameliorating effects on their behaviour of living with a female partner.

You can read an article that provides more information on this study here.

Tips from a contributor to the American Psychological Assn.'s Help Center

The LA Times recently conducted an interview with David J. Palmiter Jr., professor and director of the Psychological Services Center at Marywood University in Pennsylvania and a contributor to the American Psychological Assn.’s Help Center. He suggests that parenting adult children living at home can be even more difficult than parenting during the “terrible 2s” or teenage years.

You can read the abbreviated transcript of the interview here.

New survey says 37% of 50+ women have one or more adult kids living at home

A new survey from VibrantNation.com, a website for successful women over the age of 50, has found that almost half of boomer women are supporting their adult children financially, and more than a third are dipping into their own retirement savings to do so.

Here are the key findings from their survey, which was sent to over 50,000 members, e-newsletter subscribers, Facebook fans and Twitter followers:

  • You Never Stop Being a Parent: 44% of Boomer women report that they are helping their adult children financially and otherwise more than they anticipated or budgeted because of the economy.
  • 24-Hour Mom ATM: More than one quarter of Boomer women are helping adult children with housing costs (29%) and daily living expenses (26%). Fewer, though still rather significant percentages, are helping with education (17%) and healthcare (17%) costs.
  • Dipping into the Piggy Bank: 35% reported that they are using funds set aside for their retirement/future to help an adult child and/or grandchild.
  • The Un-Empty Nest Syndrome: 37% of Boomer women say they have one or more adult child currently living with them. Of these, 29% reported that they charge their adult child rent and 16% have set a limit on how long the adult child can remain. Of those who said they had set a limit, 45% have extended their original deadline because of the recession.

As you’ll know if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, we recommend against dipping into retirement savings or otherwise compromising your own financial situation to support your adult kids. Help your kids in whatever way feel right for you, but remember to take care of yourself, too.

You can read more about the VibrantNation survey in their press release here.

More stories of adult kids living at home, plus the history of changing family living arrangements

This great article from the TimesOnline shares stories from families with adult children living at home — including one mother who’s thrilled to have her adult kids returning to the nest, and another who’s a bit annoyed that her lawyer son is still at home at age 26. There are some interesting notes about how the stages at which young adults have left the nest have changed over the years.

High school's over: Now what?

If you have new grads in your house, you’re going to be doing some “relationship re-negotiating” this summer. Whether they’re staying at home or leaving to attend college, your relationship with your newly adult kids will change. It can be a tough transition for some.

A recent article from the Globe & Mail reviews what kind of rules work for those new grads living at home, and which ones you’ll need to let go. Here are top no-go rules:

The problem with these is that they are for younger kids, and genuinely do not fit in with your child’s new whether-you-like-it-or-not adult status.

1) Requiring them to have a curfew.

2) Regularly asking them where they are going.

3) Expecting them to come to family meals regularly or to participate in family activities.

4) Giving them lectures about how they are going to have to get their act together.

5) Telling them not to talk with food in their mouth.

You can read the full article here.

New study finds parents with adult children living at home are more depressed

A study released today in Britain shows that parents with adult children living at home are more likely to be depressed than empty nesters. Here are our top tips for avoiding depression when adult kids live at home:

•    Put yourself first: It’s difficult for parents to put their own needs ahead of the needs of their children, but when adult kids are at home, this is critical. Don’t change travel or retirement plans to support your adult kids unless they’re really in trouble. And don’t give up your den if it’s an important retreat – find an unused space where your adult child can settle in.

•    Establish ground rules: Adult kids might not like the word “rules” but they’re important for making sure everyone has the same expectations and everyone’s needs are met. Some families with adult children living at home find a contract can help formalize the rules and keep everyone on the same page.

•    Ask kids to contribute: They may not be able to afford market-value rent, but adult children living at home should help make a dent in the extra expenses they create (extra gas, higher phone bill, etc.), or at least contribute their labor to household chores. Parents with adult kids who help out around the house are less likely to feel taken advantage of or financially compromised.

•    Don’t take on too much: A college grad is capable of cleaning a bedroom, making a meal, and doing laundry. Don’t start providing the same “services” you did when kids were small or you’ll be setting yourself up for way more work than you should reasonably bear, and paving the way for resentment and other bad feelings.

•    Take time out for yourself and your spouse: Your kids are grown-ups now, so they don’t need (and probably don’t want) to spend all their time with you. Make time to do things for yourself, and be sure your spouse isn’t pushed aside – especially if your spouse is your kids’ step-parent.

•    Talk, talk, talk: Communication is the most important step in keeping parents and adult kids happy. Don’t hold in anger, don’t seethe, and be honest. Share your thoughts and work together to continually improve the situation.

A view into my past

If you’ve read my book, or have been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that the book was inspired partly by the experiences I had myself as an adult child living at home.

This past weekend, I went to my mom’s place to help her set up a new computer. While transferring her files over, we found a folder called “Christina” in her documents. Inside was an essay I wrote about my feelings in June 2000, when I was 22 and just getting ready to leave home again after a 9-month after-college stay as an adult. I thought it would be nice to share my thoughts from 9 years ago with you, so here it is:.
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June 3, 2000

I, like many others, left my parents’ house the September after I graduated from high school. At age 17 I left to conquer the world, or at least to gather the skills to do so, as I headed to the University of Victoria. For four years I lived on my own, or with room-mates, working and going to school, the whole while feeling like a child playing house –- getting up to minor mischief and reveling in the lack of “adult” supervision. As graduation drew near, however, as I moved into my twenties and started to think about what my parents’ lives had been like at the same age, I realized that adulthood was looming and I was no longer playing house; I was building a life in my own home.

The end of my studies came and went with surprisingly little fanfare. I walked out of my final exam knowing that my university experience was over and that I was a student no longer, but not knowing what new label would replace my student identity. I had no job lined up, and I didn’t know quite where to start looking. There was suddenly nothing holding me in the town that had been my home for four years, so at age 21 I packed up my bags again and returned to my parents’ home.

During the four years I had been away, my father had retired, my younger sister had left home to herself become a student, and the resident cat had taken over the role of favored child. Re-integrating myself into this home that was so familiar and yet just not my home anymore was difficult. I brought with me a cat of my own, and the two cats faced off for control of the house. My parents and I faced off in similar, if more subtle, ways. I was a child when I left but an adult when I returned, and the integration of an adult-child into the household meant the rules and patterns had to change. In this, my parents’ home, I no longer had the freedom of a child playing house; instead I joined a fairly large segment of my peers who had returned to the empty nest and reverted to a kind of extended infancy. I was suddenly overwhelmed by adult supervision, and I felt like this place I lived in was not truly my home. In the nine months I have lived there, I have spent less and less time “at home” and have often felt like I was drifting, just waiting for something to push me back into a life of my own. Reverting to childhood is so easy, and it is nice to be looked after for a time, but now at 22 it is time to leave this easy shelter again.

Returning to the empty nest was at times comforting, at times chaotic for all involved. As I pack my boxes to strike out on my own once again, I look forward to the long evenings I will spend visiting in this place which is, after all, very much my parents’ home.
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I’m so glad that I now get to help families who are struggling through their own version of this scenario. Best wishes to all of you who have adult children living at home — remember that the situation can be tough on them too.