Author Archives: Christina Newberry

Moving home with kids in tow

I’ve talked before about how much more complicated it is when your adult children move home with kids of their own. Not only do you have to sort out your relationship and space-sharing issues with an adult — you also have kids involved, and they may not be happy to have left the home they were used to and be “stuck” with Grandma and Grandpa. These can be the most fragile situations, but they can also be the most helpful — think about how powerful it is for your grandkids to see good parenting in action, both by you and by your adult child.

There’s a great blog post on the santarosamom.com blog about what it felt like for one woman to move back in with her parents after a divorce — and share a bedroom with her two children. If you’re living in a similar situation, it’s definitely worth a read.

Two key mistakes that can endanger your retirement

It’s natural for parents to want to support their children, even as those children reach adulthood. But in tough economic times, parents must remember to look after their own financial well-being as well. Adult children may struggle financially, but they have many more years of full earning potential ahead of them than their parents do. So, parents need to be careful about jeopardizing their own financial situation to support adult kids.

Mark Patterson, a writer for usnews.com, shared the following two tips as part of a recent article on “attitude adjustments necessary for retirement success.”

1. Your retirement is more important than your kids’ college education.

2. Your retirement is more important than your kids’ lifestyle.

To view the full text of the tips, plus the three additional attitude adjustments Patterson suggests, click here.

Want to be in a documentary on adult children living at home?

A Canadian production company is working on a documentary looking at the implications of the global trend of adult children moving back into (or never leaving) their parents’ homes.  They will be looking at the issue from the perspective of the adult children and the parents, and  will be using real families in the documentary to talk about the issues. If you are interested in being considered for this documentary, or finding out more, send me an e-mail at christina@adultchildrenlivingathome.com and I will put you in touch with the producers.

Can best friends offer tough love?

In a recent article published by the Minneapolis-St. Paul Start-Tribune about adult children boomeranging home after college,Barbara Risman, head of sociology at the University of Illinois at Chicago and an executive officer of the Council on Contemporary Families said, “A high percentage of college freshmen say one of their parents is their best friend.”

On the surface, this may seem great — parents and kids getting along, nurturing and supporting each other. But we are not supposed to be our children’s best friends. Parents are parents, and a parent’s role is to help their children become independent. How can they achieve independence from their parents if they view their parents as best friends? And if these students do return home to live after graduating, how can the parents possibly offer the tough love that can sometimes be required to help a new grad get on their feet?

It’s great to get along with your adult kids, and offer emotional support when you can. But remember — ideally, you want your child to get to a stage where they don’t need you anymore. Make sure you encourage them to establish meaningful relationships with their peers.

Too many waiting for the "perfect" job

A recent New York Times article featured the story of a 24-year-old unemployed college graduate who’s living at home and being supported by his parents. He was offered a job at $40,000 per year, but turned it down because he felt it was “dead end work.”

What?! This is crazy. When I graduated from college, I moved home with my parents for a few months as I regained my footing and tried to figure out what was next (I draw on this experience in my book). With an English degree, the job opportunities were certainly not falling in my lap. So what did I do? I went to work in a bookstore for $8 an hour. Sure, it was a lower-level job than I thought I’d get with a college degree, but at least it brought in some money that allowed me to contribute to the grocery bill and start saving to move out. It also allowed me to create some opportunities for myself, as I volunteered to create the store’s website, and started doing some promotional and marketing work that became the earliest pieces in my writing portfolio.

If your adult children are living at home and struggling with their job search, make sure they understand that they need to earn some money — even if that means they take a job that is not exactly their ideal position. Those ideal positions are rarely first jobs. And any job offers opportunities to build your resume, as long as you’re willing to seek out tasks that are beyond your job description.

Hey, it’s summer. If your adult child is living at home and unemployed, send them out to start mowing neighbors’ lawns! Sure, it’s manual labor, but making a few dollars is good for anyone’s self esteem.  And if they come to you asking for advice about what to say to a $40K  job offer that’s not exactly in their chosen field, tell them to jump on it. In this economy, we have to take opportunities when they are presented to us, and create our own luck.

Recent media appearances

AdultChildrenLivingatHome.com has been in the news a couple of times recently, offering tips for parents dealing with adult children returning home after college.

adult children living at home cover storyThe Ventura County Reporter’s story Boomerang Generation: From high hopes to grim realities, local adults, young and old, enter unknown territory included several tips from AdultChildrenLivingatHome, inclusing this one:

“Living with your adult kids can be a positive experience for both you and them, as long as you know how to make it work and are prepared to put in the effort,” Newberry said. She also warns against the danger of giving too much, which “may not be doing your adult children any favors” and could actually harm their chances of being successful in the future.

Yahoo! Shine’s piece How to make it work when college grads return home to live included this key piece of advice:

“If you treat them like a kid again, you’re not helping them — you are creating a lifestyle that they won’t be able to maintain when they leave,” Newberry says. “Your job is to get them to where they don’t need you anymore.”

Poll results: Should grown children pay rent when they move home?

Dallas Dirt, a real-estate publication in Dallas, Texas, recently published a poll asking readers whether adult children should pay rent when they move back home with their parents. The possible answers to the poll are:

  • Yes, after college, absolutely.
  • Not if they are in graduate school. After grad school, yes.
  • Only after they have been working for awhile, to help them “get on their feet”.
  • No but they should still contribute to the household financially and physically (chores).
  • Grown kids should never return home to live with mom and dad.
  • It’s up to the family to decide this case by case.
  • Daddy should always pay for everything!
  • The minute they turn 18 they should contribute to the family.

I’m not loving any of these possible answers. This is a complicated topic with no simple answer. I think the best answer is “It’s up to the family to decide this case by case,” except that in all cases the adult child should contribute *something* every month — if not cash, then they should still be paying a set amount of “rent” by working on extra projects around the house, like cleaning the gutters or painting the garage. (You can see my thoughts on adult children paying rent when they move home in the video here.) So, I guess if I were to write a possible response, it would be: “Yes, but the family should decide what amount makes sense based on their particular situation, and if no money is available, the adult child should work off the rent by doing extra jobs around the house (not regular chores).”

If you want to vote in the poll, you can do so here. If you’d like to see the results (in which a shocking 9% say Daddy should always pay for everything — I suspect those votes didn’t come from parents!), you can find them here.

Will your insurance cover your adult kids who move home?

There’s a lot of talk these days about the new health bill and its implications for health insurance for families with adult children living at home. But health insurance isn’t the only kind of coverage you need to think about when an adult child returns home. What about homeowner’s insurance and auto insurance? A recent article from TampaBay.com addressed these questions. You can find it here.