Author Archives: Christina Newberry

Are you impeding your adult child's success at work?

A 60 Minutes piece explored the impact the Millenials — that’s the current generation of your adults, the ones who are most likely to be living at home — are having on the workplace… and how the workplace is impacting these young adults who have been told since childhood that they are special and they will always win.

They discovered that college professors are getting phone calls from parents when they don’t think their kids’ grades are fair, and that parents are the ones taking responsibility for updating their adult children’s resumes with HR firms, and even contacting employers about performance evaluations they don’t agree with.

If you’ve been on this path with your adult child, it’s time to back off. The number one mistake you can make with adult children living at home is continuing to parent them like they are young children. In the end, this not only robs your adult kids of the chance to develop their own much-needed skills, it will also lead to resentment on both sides.

So let junior talk to his own boss about a bad performance review — or, better yet, learn how to do a great job in the first place!

Address entitlement issues right up front

I’ve just read an article that has got me absolutely fuming. It’s not new — in fact, it’s from 2007 (which means it was written *before* the current economic crisis).

The article is entitled “Twentysomething: Be responsible, go back home after college,” and its entire point is that college grads should move home after college to save money, give themselves time to adjust to the real world and avoid having to take a job that doesn’t jive with their life goals.

Ack!

Sure, moving home with parents after college can be a great help, and can provide much needed support for emerging adults — both emotional and financial. I moved back home myself after graduating, and stayed for 8 months. At the time, I never thought about what my stay was costing my parents, though I did contribute to the household as much as I could by doing chores, cooking, and so on. Ryan, likewise, seems to miss entirely that the decision to move home impacts anyone other than the adult child. Here are a couple of choice quotes:

By moving home after graduation, you have little or no rent which allows for more freedom when searching for a job. There is no need to sell out to an investment bank if your real goal is to work with underprivileged children. Depending on where your parents are located, you are probably missing out on the big city night life and social scene, but you have lots of opportunities to find the perfect job, regardless of pay. If ditching the social scene for career sake doesn’t demonstrate responsibility and independence, I don’t know what does.

… moving home with mom and dad will immediately save you about $700 a month in housing costs. At least there is some extra cash flow. In two years, you can save up enough to move out on your own without worrying about going into credit card debt for basic necessities like fixing your car or buying groceries.

… Rather than focus on rent, bills and kids, emerging adults living at home with their parents have the ability to focus on the most important aspects of emerging adult life: figuring out who they are and what career is right for them.

The basic facts here are all true. But if this is how your adult child living at home sees the arrangement of living in your home, you’re in trouble. If there is no understanding that it is costing you real dollars to house an extra person in your home (for things like food, gas, heat, electricity, and so on), and that it may actually impact your lifestyle as well as your adult child’s, the ground is set for misunderstandings that will lead to resentment and damaged relationships. This is one of many reasons why it’s vitally important to work out both a living agreement (or contract) and a family budget before your adult child moves home.

To read Ryan’s entire article, click here. I’d be interested to know if it gets you as riled up as it did me. If you have an adult kid who views living with you as Ryan does, check out my article on how to avoid the top 5 mistakes made by parents with adult children living at home.

More stories of adult children living at home

Today’s story features Natasha Giraldo, a 33-year-old who recently moved in with her 63-year-old mother to save money and pay off substantial credit card debt.

Quotes from the article show how multi-generational living can be tough on both adult parent and child. From Natasha:

She’s already raised me. She doesn’t have to do it again. I moved back in as a necessity based on the choices I made. As much as I love my mom, when I’m able, I will be out of here.

And from her mom:

It’s a whole change in lifestyle. If I’m perfectly honest, I would love to go back to having my house to myself. But you incorporate (your adult children) into your life rather than stop living.

You can read the whole article here.

Comunication and shared expectations are the keys to success when adult children are living at home

A recent Christian Science Monitor article shares a number of strategies for ensuring a successful experience with adult children living at home. Their tips echo some of my strategies, and like me, they emphasize that communication and shared expectations are the most important factors to ensuring that your relationship with your adult kids doesn’t suffer when they live in your home.

Remember, we are all human, and everyone will make mistakes. But if you talk openly and honestly, you can avoid resentment and a lot of negative feelings. Living with your adult kids can be a positive experience for both you and them, as long as you know how to make it work, and are prepared to put in the effort.

For my tips on avoiding common mistakes when adult children, click here.

47% of parent support their adult kids — and other scary stats

A new survey by UK firm YouGov has provided some scary statistics about the financial impact recent economic challenges have had on families with adult children. Among the findings:

  • About 35% of young adults borrow  from their parents for daily living expenses
  • 38% have borrowed or accepted a gift of money to pay off debts
  • 34% have relied on financial help from parents to buy a home
  • 47% of parents have given or lent money to their adult children or grandchildren

But here’s the really scary bit:

  • 80% of parents who gave or lent their children money withdrew it  from their savings
  • 54% of these do not think they will be able to top up their savings again
  • 22% of parents had to cut back their own spending to support their adult children
  • About 30% of parents are saving less because their money is going to their adult children
  • 12% of parents have had to stop saving altogether

And worst of all:

  • 1 in 10 parents borrowed the money to support their adult children.

Yikes!

TV Tokyo looking for family with boomerang kids in Washington, DC

TV Tokyo’s Washington, DC bureau is working on a story about boomerang kids and multi-generational households in the United States. Specifically, they are looking for families where adult children aged 18 – 34 have moved back in with their parents after a recent layoff or because they are having trouble finding a job after college. If you are interested in talking about your experience with boomerang kids, you live in the Washington, DC area, and you’d like to appear on a Japanese television program, please send me a quick e-mail at christina@adultchildrenlivingathome.com and I’ll put you in touch with the producer.

Almost 30 and still relying on Mom and Dad

I recently talked about the new term “yuckies,” which stands for Young Unwitting Costly Kids — adult children who still rely on their parents for regular financial support. Bryony Gordon, 29, a writer for the Telegraph, recently shared her thoughts on being a yuckie. Here’s a quote from her piece that neatly captures today’s realities for many young people, and how it’s impacting their parents:

I am still partly reliant on my parents despite being old enough to be one myself, a point that my mother never tires of making. “You know that you are going to be 30 this year,” she says. “When I was your age, I was already paying your school fees.”

Gosh, my school fees. What a waste of money that was. Here I am, no more a home-owner than I am a trapeze artist or for that matter a circus elephant, one toe clinging desperately to the very bottom rung of the property ladder thanks only to my mother who bought most of the flat that I live in. Last month she had to pay my gas bill.

The piece is thoughtful and a good read, and you can find it here.