Category Archives: General advice

Rules for adult kids at home during college breaks

I posted a new article today that talks about setting rules for adult children who return home during college breaks. Some key tips from the article:

Make sure you talk about and agree upon guidelines for:

– Household rules, including swearing, late nights, and noise: Remember that your college kid has been dealing with college-style language, music, and hours. Talk about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not.

– Who covers additional expenses: If your adult kid is just home for a long weekend, this probably isn’t an issue. But if they’re home for three months, who’s going to pay for the extra groceries they consume and the electricity they use? What about long-distance calls they make keeping up with college friends?

– Fair use of shared resources: Make sure you all agree on appropriate use of the family computer and TV. You don’t want to have battles over the remote just as someone’s favorite show is about to begin. And be very clear about any guidelines for using (and gassing up!) the family car.

– The thorny issue of overnight guests: Whether you like it or not, your kid’s probably been having sleepovers with his girlfriend while at school. Can he have her stay over in his room at your home?

– Privacy rules for both you and your adult children: These rules will be different than they were when your kid lived at home full-time. You should agree to stay out of her room and her mail, and she should agree to stay out of yours.

– Which chores your grown kids will be responsible for: A summer break with no help from your adult kids could leave you fuming. Make sure you agree on what’s expected beforehand so your kid doesn’t feel imposed upon, and you don’t feel resentful.

If you need help setting up an agreement with your adult kids for their breaks at home, or if you just need some advice on how to renegotiate your relationship now that your kids are grown, you can find resources and tips at www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

You can read the rest of the article here.

When it's time to let your adult kids fly on their own

This recent article from the Sun Sentinel describes parents who are having trouble letting go of their parenting duties, even when their children are in college. The parents in this story still write thank you notes for their 20-something kids, and even want to help with college homework:

There are the parents who call the admissions office pretending to be their child in order to get information… There are parents who call professors to complain about a bad grade, perhaps because bullying the teacher worked in elementary or high school.

If you’re still acting like a “helicopter parent” when your kids are adults, you’re not doing them any favors. Over-parenting is Dangerous Mistake #1 covered in our free report, “Avoid the 8 Most Dangerous Mistakes Parents Make When Their Adult Child Lives at Home” (which you can access by filling in your name and e-mail address on the right side of this page).

Sometimes the adult kids "live" at home, even when they don't live at home

When adult children live very near their parents, families can experience some of the same issues as they do when adult children live at home. Adult kids may still stop by to do laundry or to be fed by Mom and Dad — and there can be privacy issues, even when the residence isn’t shared. Take this example from St. Petersburg Times Staff Writer Michelle Miller, writing about her adult son who lives down the street:

His dad and I were startled to hear a key in the front door just as we were settling down to watch the Red Sox on the tube.

“So, I guess you don’t have to knock or ring the doorbell?” my husband asked the boomerang boy.

“Nope, I have my own key,” the boy answered.

He was just passing by on his way home from work, he told us. “I just thought I’d stop in.”

As you can see, it’s important to set boundaries with your adult kids, even if there’s more than just a wall separating you. You can read the whole article here.

Tips from a contributor to the American Psychological Assn.'s Help Center

The LA Times recently conducted an interview with David J. Palmiter Jr., professor and director of the Psychological Services Center at Marywood University in Pennsylvania and a contributor to the American Psychological Assn.’s Help Center. He suggests that parenting adult children living at home can be even more difficult than parenting during the “terrible 2s” or teenage years.

You can read the abbreviated transcript of the interview here.

High school's over: Now what?

If you have new grads in your house, you’re going to be doing some “relationship re-negotiating” this summer. Whether they’re staying at home or leaving to attend college, your relationship with your newly adult kids will change. It can be a tough transition for some.

A recent article from the Globe & Mail reviews what kind of rules work for those new grads living at home, and which ones you’ll need to let go. Here are top no-go rules:

The problem with these is that they are for younger kids, and genuinely do not fit in with your child’s new whether-you-like-it-or-not adult status.

1) Requiring them to have a curfew.

2) Regularly asking them where they are going.

3) Expecting them to come to family meals regularly or to participate in family activities.

4) Giving them lectures about how they are going to have to get their act together.

5) Telling them not to talk with food in their mouth.

You can read the full article here.

New study finds parents with adult children living at home are more depressed

A study released today in Britain shows that parents with adult children living at home are more likely to be depressed than empty nesters. Here are our top tips for avoiding depression when adult kids live at home:

•    Put yourself first: It’s difficult for parents to put their own needs ahead of the needs of their children, but when adult kids are at home, this is critical. Don’t change travel or retirement plans to support your adult kids unless they’re really in trouble. And don’t give up your den if it’s an important retreat – find an unused space where your adult child can settle in.

•    Establish ground rules: Adult kids might not like the word “rules” but they’re important for making sure everyone has the same expectations and everyone’s needs are met. Some families with adult children living at home find a contract can help formalize the rules and keep everyone on the same page.

•    Ask kids to contribute: They may not be able to afford market-value rent, but adult children living at home should help make a dent in the extra expenses they create (extra gas, higher phone bill, etc.), or at least contribute their labor to household chores. Parents with adult kids who help out around the house are less likely to feel taken advantage of or financially compromised.

•    Don’t take on too much: A college grad is capable of cleaning a bedroom, making a meal, and doing laundry. Don’t start providing the same “services” you did when kids were small or you’ll be setting yourself up for way more work than you should reasonably bear, and paving the way for resentment and other bad feelings.

•    Take time out for yourself and your spouse: Your kids are grown-ups now, so they don’t need (and probably don’t want) to spend all their time with you. Make time to do things for yourself, and be sure your spouse isn’t pushed aside – especially if your spouse is your kids’ step-parent.

•    Talk, talk, talk: Communication is the most important step in keeping parents and adult kids happy. Don’t hold in anger, don’t seethe, and be honest. Share your thoughts and work together to continually improve the situation.

News story featuring AdultChildrenLivingatHome.com

We were quoted in a story in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram today about how the recession is bringing families together — for good or worse.

New grad, old room

The recession might be dealing out its leanest hand to new college graduates, who are checking out of dorms and back into their childhood bedrooms in droves.

In 2008, 77 percent of new grads moved back home, up from 67 percent in 2006, according to a poll by Collegegrad.com.

And prospects look even dimmer for 2009 graduates, says Christina Newberry, co-author of The Hands-on Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

Newberry, 31, of Vancouver, British Columbia, has been there. She moved back in with parents twice after she graduated from college

“It’s a really hard thing to face, especially if you have been away at university or you have been away and you’ve had your job and you’ve had this independent life . . . and all of a sudden you’re back in the same bedroom you were in as a little kid,” she said.

You can read the whole article here.

The little things can make a big difference

Today we’re sharing a blog post from a woman whose adult son lives with her. She started off her day talking to her son about the great meal she was going to make that evening. When he said it sounded good, she assumed he’d be home to help her eat it.

After a lot of work in the kitchen and a few hours waiting for him to show, it became clear the adult son wasn’t coming home for dinner. When his mom asked him what happened, he said that just because he said the dinner sounded good didn’t mean he’d planned on eating it.

For the mom, this was pretty frustrating, as you can imagine. When parents and kids try to navigate the uncharted waters of living together as adults, small misunderstandings can lead to massive frustration, and even build resentment. It’s important for everyone to talk openly with one another, and to make it clear what things matter to them. Reading this mom’s blog, it’s clear that preparing a meal is an act of love for her — but maybe her son doesn’t get that because she’s always been the one who made his dinners.

You can read the blog post here.

As you read it, think about any niggling details that may be bothering you in your own relationship with your adult kids living at home. Then resolve to talk about those feelings the next time you have a chance. If you need some help working on your communication strategy, our book has some great tips and resources for you to use.