High school's over: Now what?

If you have new grads in your house, you’re going to be doing some “relationship re-negotiating” this summer. Whether they’re staying at home or leaving to attend college, your relationship with your newly adult kids will change. It can be a tough transition for some.

A recent article from the Globe & Mail reviews what kind of rules work for those new grads living at home, and which ones you’ll need to let go. Here are top no-go rules:

The problem with these is that they are for younger kids, and genuinely do not fit in with your child’s new whether-you-like-it-or-not adult status.

1) Requiring them to have a curfew.

2) Regularly asking them where they are going.

3) Expecting them to come to family meals regularly or to participate in family activities.

4) Giving them lectures about how they are going to have to get their act together.

5) Telling them not to talk with food in their mouth.

You can read the full article here.

New study finds parents with adult children living at home are more depressed

A study released today in Britain shows that parents with adult children living at home are more likely to be depressed than empty nesters. Here are our top tips for avoiding depression when adult kids live at home:

• Put yourself first: It’s difficult for parents to put their own needs ahead of the needs of their children, but when adult kids are at home, this is critical. Don’t change travel or retirement plans to support your adult kids unless they’re really in trouble. And don’t give up your den if it’s an important retreat – find an unused space where your adult child can settle in.

• Establish ground rules: Adult kids might not like the word “rules” but they’re important for making sure everyone has the same expectations and everyone’s needs are met. Some families with adult children living at home find a contract can help formalize the rules and keep everyone on the same page.

• Ask kids to contribute: They may not be able to afford market-value rent, but adult children living at home should help make a dent in the extra expenses they create (extra gas, higher phone bill, etc.), or at least contribute their labor to household chores. Parents with adult kids who help out around the house are less likely to feel taken advantage of or financially compromised.

• Don’t take on too much: A college grad is capable of cleaning a bedroom, making a meal, and doing laundry. Don’t start providing the same “services” you did when kids were small or you’ll be setting yourself up for way more work than you should reasonably bear, and paving the way for resentment and other bad feelings.

• Take time out for yourself and your spouse: Your kids are grown-ups now, so they don’t need (and probably don’t want) to spend all their time with you. Make time to do things for yourself, and be sure your spouse isn’t pushed aside – especially if your spouse is your kids’ step-parent.

• Talk, talk, talk: Communication is the most important step in keeping parents and adult kids happy. Don’t hold in anger, don’t seethe, and be honest. Share your thoughts and work together to continually improve the situation.

Interview with Australian Radio

New research from the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows that 27% of people aged 20-34 are living with their parents. We talked about this phenomenon today with 2UE radio in Sydney, and offered some tips for families with adult children living at home. You can hear the seven-minute interview here.

A view into my past

If you’ve read my book, or have been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that the book was inspired partly by the experiences I had myself as an adult child living at home.

This past weekend, I went to my mom’s place to help her set up a new computer. While transferring her files over, we found a folder called “Christina” in her documents. Inside was an essay I wrote about my feelings in June 2000, when I was 22 and just getting ready to leave home again after a 9-month after-college stay as an adult. I thought it would be nice to share my thoughts from 9 years ago with you, so here it is:.
—
June 3, 2000

I, like many others, left my parents’ house the September after I graduated from high school. At age 17 I left to conquer the world, or at least to gather the skills to do so, as I headed to the University of Victoria. For four years I lived on my own, or with room-mates, working and going to school, the whole while feeling like a child playing house –- getting up to minor mischief and reveling in the lack of “adult” supervision. As graduation drew near, however, as I moved into my twenties and started to think about what my parents’ lives had been like at the same age, I realized that adulthood was looming and I was no longer playing house; I was building a life in my own home.

The end of my studies came and went with surprisingly little fanfare. I walked out of my final exam knowing that my university experience was over and that I was a student no longer, but not knowing what new label would replace my student identity. I had no job lined up, and I didn’t know quite where to start looking. There was suddenly nothing holding me in the town that had been my home for four years, so at age 21 I packed up my bags again and returned to my parents’ home.

During the four years I had been away, my father had retired, my younger sister had left home to herself become a student, and the resident cat had taken over the role of favored child. Re-integrating myself into this home that was so familiar and yet just not my home anymore was difficult. I brought with me a cat of my own, and the two cats faced off for control of the house. My parents and I faced off in similar, if more subtle, ways. I was a child when I left but an adult when I returned, and the integration of an adult-child into the household meant the rules and patterns had to change. In this, my parents’ home, I no longer had the freedom of a child playing house; instead I joined a fairly large segment of my peers who had returned to the empty nest and reverted to a kind of extended infancy. I was suddenly overwhelmed by adult supervision, and I felt like this place I lived in was not truly my home. In the nine months I have lived there, I have spent less and less time “at home” and have often felt like I was drifting, just waiting for something to push me back into a life of my own. Reverting to childhood is so easy, and it is nice to be looked after for a time, but now at 22 it is time to leave this easy shelter again.

Returning to the empty nest was at times comforting, at times chaotic for all involved. As I pack my boxes to strike out on my own once again, I look forward to the long evenings I will spend visiting in this place which is, after all, very much my parents’ home.
—

I’m so glad that I now get to help families who are struggling through their own version of this scenario. Best wishes to all of you who have adult children living at home — remember that the situation can be tough on them too.

News story featuring AdultChildrenLivingatHome.com

We were quoted in a story in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram today about how the recession is bringing families together — for good or worse.

New grad, old room

The recession might be dealing out its leanest hand to new college graduates, who are checking out of dorms and back into their childhood bedrooms in droves.

In 2008, 77 percent of new grads moved back home, up from 67 percent in 2006, according to a poll by Collegegrad.com.

And prospects look even dimmer for 2009 graduates, says Christina Newberry, co-author of The Hands-on Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

Newberry, 31, of Vancouver, British Columbia, has been there. She moved back in with parents twice after she graduated from college

“It’s a really hard thing to face, especially if you have been away at university or you have been away and you’ve had your job and you’ve had this independent life . . . and all of a sudden you’re back in the same bedroom you were in as a little kid,” she said.

You can read the whole article here.

The little things can make a big difference

Today we’re sharing a blog post from a woman whose adult son lives with her. She started off her day talking to her son about the great meal she was going to make that evening. When he said it sounded good, she assumed he’d be home to help her eat it.

After a lot of work in the kitchen and a few hours waiting for him to show, it became clear the adult son wasn’t coming home for dinner. When his mom asked him what happened, he said that just because he said the dinner sounded good didn’t mean he’d planned on eating it.

For the mom, this was pretty frustrating, as you can imagine. When parents and kids try to navigate the uncharted waters of living together as adults, small misunderstandings can lead to massive frustration, and even build resentment. It’s important for everyone to talk openly with one another, and to make it clear what things matter to them. Reading this mom’s blog, it’s clear that preparing a meal is an act of love for her — but maybe her son doesn’t get that because she’s always been the one who made his dinners.

You can read the blog post here.

As you read it, think about any niggling details that may be bothering you in your own relationship with your adult kids living at home. Then resolve to talk about those feelings the next time you have a chance. If you need some help working on your communication strategy, our book has some great tips and resources for you to use.

New affiliate program

Hello readers!

We are pleased to announce the we have launched an affiliate program for the print version of our book, The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home. The print version has over 50 pages of the same great content as our eBook, in a handy take-anywhere printed format, with full-color covers and convenient “lay-flat” binding, plus the bonuses and a 30-day guarantee.

The book sells for $37.97 plus shipping, and we offer a 15% commission. If you’d like to sign up for our affiliate program and start earning commissions on The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home, please click here.

"It now takes four of us to make ends meet"

In this tough economy, more adult children are moving home than ever before. And sometimes, it’s not just the adult kids who need financial support. Nowadays, parents may be having a hard time dealing with their own living expenses, and may need the extra financial support that comes from adult kids living at home, even if the adult children can’t contribute much.

Here are some stories of families in just this situation, including one family with two adult children, their spouses and five small children (with a sixth child on the way), plus a teenage stepdaughter and the homeless friend of a college-age son, all living in a three-bedroom home. Their food bill is almost $1,000 a month — but for 14 people, that sounds like a steal.

You can read the whole story here.

Three generations — and 14 people — under one roof

Today’s Dayton Daily News has the story of one family that has three generations — and 14 people — living under one roof. They’ve managed to convert lots of unused spaced into bedrooms, but there’s still only one full bathroom, which makes for tight scheduling! With several of their kids, plus their kids’ kids, all living in what was originally a three bedroom home, they’re sure to face some interesting challenges.